Ramblings

Hey fam! Wowee it’s been a while since I jumped on here and had a chat with myself so I thought I would jump on and have a little ramble about all the things that have been going on with my life in the last month or so. I’ve also been spending a lot of time doing absoloutely nothing, enjoying the peace and quiet and getting high in the sunshine – because that is basically how I want to live my life, I want to be drowned in sunshine and good vibes, with music fumbling in the air and honey dripping down my skin. That is the vision I have for my lazy life and I am embodying it as much as I possibly can. More on that on a later post, because since I released this whole blog thing, it feels like the world has gone into overdrive and definitely doesn’t look the same as it did when I started. When I started this page I didn’t really know what would happen, I wasn’t working and uni was in a bit of a standstill, so in the beginning it was all pretty easy to juggle. In the past few months though, and the last month especially, life felt pretty damn hectic; I started back at both retail jobs, finished this semester of my master’s degree, brought my horse River back into serious work, and was juggling managing this blog as well as the fact that it started to actually generate clients and income.

This past month I’ve been pretty quiet on here because of that, because for most people covid was a moment of stillness and quiet, but for me it became hectic and intense, but it meant things were juggled and kinda put on hold. I’m glad to say I’ve still got a whole heap of stuff and ideas and theories that I want to get off my chest and onto paper through the blog, but I’m also navigating the ways that work best for me and allowing myself to have times of slowness and quiet when maybe I don’t post as much. It’s all about balance and listening to my gut, only writing when I really want to and have the time to engage with this space effectively. So for the past month or so it definitely took a backseat. University became a priority as it came to the pointy end of the semester, but most importantly, I fully stepped into the role of being a sex therapist, I enrolled clients and I began to generate an income. Which was just totally freaking AWESOME! But I couldn’t keep writing posts while simultaneously trying to navigate and learn how to best practice.

On top of that, I also worked through some pretty serious self-doubt. I released this page mid-April and things were amazing. The first month saw me deep-dive into this space, saw mw fully unleash so many of my pent up thoughts and emotions and saw me fully embrace all the weird, wacky and wonderful realities of myself. It was amazing to release this entity and to feel the love and support from absolutely everyone who engaged, or read, or commented on literally anything! It’s been fucking incredible to be able to express myself and be so seen in it. But after the first month or so, as I started to bring my creation into the physical realm and started to earn money from it, the doubt set in hard. Like real hard. Like I avoided writing, and avoided thinking about the blog because WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING?! Because as if I just did this, and created a literal fucking website and have clients – like WHO AM I to have clients? Who would even want to work with me anyway, who would even pay me to hear the things I say? I went through a massive fraud identity shift, because I let myself doubt myself, because I felt like a fraud and a cheat, like I wasn’t qualified enough or skilled enough – or just enough – to be doing what it is I’m doing. I had put so much pressure on myself to make it perfect, to make it look perfect and have everything just right, but that started to ruin the point of what it was. Too much pressure on myself to be completely profound and to write pieces that would be thought-provoking and hilarious and political and spiritual and meaning-giving and bring a tear yo your eye (I mean I am all those things ;) I just put too much pressure on myself to be them, rather than just letting me be them). I began giving way too many shits about what people would think, hypothesising and analysing everything I wrote, predicting the things that people would say. I judged myself more than anyone else did, and I let this fear rule me and control me, I let my own thoughts about what you guys would think, stop me from writing. Thoughts began spiraling that it would never work, that I’m going to fail and that it was stupid to even try, thoughts like this isn’t really it, this isn’t gonna work and it’s never going to earn you money or take you anywhere. I thought I had failed already because it wasn’t some big multi-million dollar company overnight.

But I was stoopid.

I had already succeeded just by being here, just by opening up this space. And so after a solid few weeks of doubting absolutely everything and not knowing what the fuck I was doing, but still trying to learn how to operate a business and run a blog, I realised that it was all okay. That it was all going to end up okay and that even if this doesn’t end up making me big bucks, that that isn’t the point of it anyway. The point is just to be me. To write as me, to chat to my clients as me, to operate in this world as me, from a place of being me. It should be easy, and it should be natural, and it doesn’t need to be overthought. I realised that I am big and bad and beautiful and that is okay. Exactly as I am, is exactly as I should be.

AND SO I’M BACK BABY! Bigger and badder than ever. I’ve got so many more post ideas I want to bring to the world and I’ve worked through the self-doubt so I’m ready to bring them through again. I’m ready to step even more into this identity as a sex therapist, I’m ready to juggle all the things life throws at us and keep balancing them all. I’m ready to keep travelling through the channels of my mind to bring together the ideas hidden within, and I’m ready to work with the people who are ready to work with me. I’m trusting in it all, and I’m trusting in me. Because who fucking cares anyways?! I certainly don't. As long as you are doing it for you, and being authentically you, I don't give a shit.

There was a lot more that I wanted to ramble about but I've forgotten so this is really it for now I guess. Just a little bit of insight into my thoughts and feelings these last few months, the fact that opening this blog really did affect me, and as brilliant as it’s been I still doubt it all – doubt why I did it and what was the point. But then I see the light in someone’s eyes as they tell me how much I helped them, or the click of a realisation as they let that sense of shame drop away from themselves, or the smile as they start to drop into a feeling of sensuality and sexuality. I remember why it is I do this shit. Because I love it. Because I love sex and I love sharing about sex. I love bringing people back to enjoying sex, because I think that is innately where humans should be. I love dropping people out of their minds and into their bodies, allowing them to remember the innate wisdom that is stored there, allowing them to trust their bodies again and hear what it is trying to tell them. I love me. I love constantly learning about me. I love the mix and the entanglements within me – the fact that I can be spiritual, I can wear essential oils and talk about masculine/feminine energies, tantra, meditation and all other things woo woo, but then I can balance that with how bad and boujee I am, how human I still am.

For me that is the most important thing – allowing myself to be human. Allowing myself all of the layers that I have. Allowing myself to be the spiritualistic who dances through life and talks about chakras and energy. Allowing myself to be sexy and self-centred as fuck, to take a million selfies, to look like Barbie and smoke like Marley, to get eyelash extensions and wear denim jeans and swear like a trucker. This life isn’t about becoming super-duper spiritual or going high into the ether, the cosmos and the soul. It is about being a human being. A goddamn HUMAN BEAN. Living in this world and taking absolutely every enjoyment out of it you possibly can. We all eat and drink and poop and fuck and sleep. Don’t deny yourself that, don’t deny yourself any pleasure, or anything, just to try and be someone. Just be yourself. Follow every tug at your heart string. Follow your ego. Follow your instincts because they will always know what is best for you. And hey, that might not look like something super spiritual, it might look the total opposite. But if it is what you really truly want to be doing, then it is spiritual in itself.

I have had a turbulent time with the idea of spirituality, as yall know, because I know that part of me is spiritual, but a big part of me also isn’t. A big part of me resents it and fucking hates anything spiritual that tries to control me or tells me to act a certain way, that tells me my anger is too much or my ideas too harsh, that silliness is bad and sassy-ness is wrong. And so I’m kind of avoiding spirituality in a sense, and instead just following my gut and following my instinct, allowing myself to be the real little human that I am, however I look. Spiritual or not. Bad ass, dorky, fairy, witch, silly wild child, goody-toe-shoes, self-obsessed, wannabe, no-fucks-given, bitch, hoe, sassy-assed, stoner-girl. It’s all me. It’s all meant to be, exactly as it is. I trust it, I flow with it, I let the energy of myself spill out into everything I do, so that life has become easy, it has become natural. With every interaction I have, I trust that as long as I am expressing myself as honestly as I can, then I am doing all that I can through life.

Okay that’s me; I’m done rambling I guess. Little life update. There wasn't really much point to this post other than to let me vent a bit. Thanks for listening hehe xx